Dealing with the Pain of Infertility

What to Do when "Motherhood" Doesn't Happen

I married my husband while in my 30's, later than some women get hitched, I realize. However, I still held a longing in my heart for us to have children together. Ever since I was a child myself, I dreamed of having a husband and kids some day.

I didn't bank on life turning out in complete opposition to my "plan" for the future. The relationships I was in, before I met my husband, were with commitment-phobic men and I got injured emotionally by a few of them. I settled into my profession as a teacher, looked after two parents and a grandmother that I had to watch die and began to think that I was fated to be pretty much on my own.

Meeting and marrying my husband was a huge blessing in my life. With that marriage came four great stepchildren, but all of them were adults, so I didn't get the chance to see them grow up. I have five stepgrandchildren, but we don't get to see them all that often , because we live so far away from them.

My husband was reluctant, at first, regarding the idea of us having children of our own, but he began to warm up to the possibility of us conceiving a baby and we made every effort to get the wheels rolling, so to speak.

Despite our trying, we were unable to "make a baby". Then I started getting symptoms of pregnancy, so much so that we were sure what we desired had finally come to pass. i was so excited that I went out and bought two different home pregnancy tests. I started rehearsing in my mind all the things I would do during my pregnancy, how I'd adjust after the baby was born, wondering what kind of mother I would be. Imagine my devastation when both tests were negative. This scenario was repeated on other occasions, until we finally concluded that we were unable to have a child.

I know I should have resigned myself to this reality, but I have all these maternal feelings, with no place to satisfy them. Sometimes I see mothers with their children at the park, in the grocery store, everywhere I look and, while I don't begrudge them the blessing of having kids, I feel sad that I am not in their ranks. I never go to church on Mother's Day, because I tend to get pretty depressed on that day. It's not just because my mother is gone now, but