Sarah Palin: You Damn Near Had Me!

She nearly had me--she almost sucked me in. There was the Internet photo of Sarah Palin, dressed in a red-white-and-blue bikini, hoisting some type of firearms--a Playboy centerfold version of Rambo (Rambette, perhaps)--and suddenly I felt blood rushing from my brain and down to my naughty bits. "This is John McCain's choice for running mate?" I asked myself. "I'd vote for that! Hell, I'd have voted for George W. Bush had he looked like that in a bikini!" Politics no longer mattered to me. I was in love. Then I learned that the photo was a fake--had been Photoshopped--and Little Elvis shriveled, giving way to my other brain, the brain that tells me never to run with scissors, play with fire or watch FOX News Channel.

And that's when it hit me. Holy crap! Within the next four years, this crazy woman could be our president! That's right, if the Republicans rig enough machines and somehow win the election in November, a man older than most dead people will be president. One loud noise, perhaps "SURPISE!!!" at his next birthday party, could be all it takes to do Gramps in and then Rambette takes over. How scary is that? We are talking about a woman whose experience involves being governor of a state that no one has ever actually seen. They tell me it is somewhere near the North Pole. Who wants a VP who was elected governor by people dumb enough to live in Alaska? There are high schools in New York City where the Senior Class President governs more people than live in Alaska.

And shouldn't we be a little worried about handing over the job of vice-president to a woman who should have the naming rights to her own children revoked? Their unfortunate names, I believe, are Track, Trig, Willow, Bristol, Piper, Sneezy and Dopey.

Not that I have anything against women. Hell, my wife is a woman and I like her just fine (It's true; not all of us liberals are gay). It's this Sarah Palin woman I have a problem with. It's the fact that she is a woman in gender only--an anti-woman woman. She is really little more than another male ultra-conservative nutcase with a big rack. You know, just like the human man-boob himself, Rush Limbaugh.