Honoring Parents or Codependent Behavior?

For many, the admonition to honor one's parents has been instilled since early childhood. One of the biblical ten commandments, it is a concept widely taught as correct and appropriate behavior to display.

Frequently, those in a codependent relationship with one or more parents will confuse this admonition with the dysfunctional behaviors present in their unhealthy relationship.

Breaking it Down

In order to better understand the difference, it is important to clearly define what each behavior entails.

Honor, as a behavior, is understood to be that behavior which shows reverence and respect. It entails politeness, courtesy, and showing esteem for another.

Codependency is that behavior which demonstrates an unhealthy and inappropriate concern for the troubles of another, to the point of enabling them to continue their harmful behavior. Generally, one party is controlling and manipulating the other via the other party's over involvement and inappropriate concern which is usually expressed in terms of being unable or unwilling to take any assertive stance towards independence or having personal boundaries.

For example, a son won't stand up to a mother's continual interfering in his marriage because 'it's just how she is' or 'it will hurt her feelings'. He may go further by stating his behavior is 'honoring' his mother, and to do anything other than what he is doing would be violating one of the ten commandments.

In a codependent relationship, both parties display a dysfunctional need for this type of relationship with one another. Often, but not always found in the families of alcoholics or drug-addicts, or where there has been child abuse; this behavior is defined by healthatoz.com to be 'a set of maladaptive and compulsive behaviors learned in order to survive in an emotionally painful and stressful environment'.

The Good News

The good news is that this unhealthy cycle can be broken. It takes time, concentrated effort, consistency, and a lot of hard work, but it can truly be done.