How to Help Your Aging Parents: Deciding when to Step In

Whether you're part of the "sandwich generation" that is raising children while they assist aging parents or still eating PB&J yourself, you may find you must take an active role in your parent's (or parents') lives. Sometimes it happens gradually, as they grow more frail. Other times there is a sudden accident or illness and you are thrust into action.

Few things will prepare you for the enormity of the issues you confront as you assist your parents. The first decision is not how, but whether to assist over the long term. A parent may perceive your involvement as intrusive or too much of a burden for you. They may be able to continue to manage on their own or with the assistance of friends reasonably well, and that's their choice. On the other hand, there may be clear examples of problems, such as having utilities turned off because a bill is not paid.

It's okay to let your parents get by without you, even if they can no longer operate at peak efficiency. It's not okay to permit them to endanger themselves. You must decide whether to jump in or--especially if you are young--alert someone else.

Thinking it Through

While you may be obligated to assist a lot during specific times or crises, the extent to which you do so on an ongoing basis is up to you. Only you know how your parents raised you and what you believe your responsibilities are. People reap what they sow; if your parents nurtured you as well as they could, you will be more likely to want to help them when they need it.

On the other hand, your family life may have looked good to outsiders but been unhappy because of a verbally abusive parent whose behavior was not apparent to others. Or, perhaps your parents were good people but not very good parents - more concerned with their social lives than their kids' homework. You will make your decision about your level of involvement based on your experiences.