Whether you're part of the "sandwich generation" that is raising children while they assist aging parents or still eating PB&J yourself, you may find you must take an active role in your parent's (or parents') lives. Sometimes it happens gradually, as they grow more frail. Other times there is a sudden accident or illness and you are thrust into action.
Few things will prepare you for the enormity of the issues you confront as you assist your parents. The first decision is not how, but whether to assist over the long term. A parent may perceive your involvement as intrusive or too much of a burden for you. They may be able to continue to manage on their own or with the assistance of friends reasonably well, and that's their choice. On the other hand, there may be clear examples of problems, such as having utilities turned off because a bill is not paid.
It's okay to let your parents get by without you, even if they can no longer operate at peak efficiency. It's not okay to permit them to endanger themselves. You must decide whether to jump in or--especially if you are young--alert someone else.
Thinking it Through
While you may be obligated to assist a lot during specific times or crises, the extent to which you do so on an ongoing basis is up to you. Only you know how your parents raised you and what you believe your responsibilities are. People reap what they sow; if your parents nurtured you as well as they could, you will be more likely to want to help them when they need it.
On the other hand, your family life may have looked good to outsiders but been unhappy because of a verbally abusive parent whose behavior was not apparent to others. Or, perhaps your parents were good people but not very good parents - more concerned with their social lives than their kids' homework. You will make your decision about your level of involvement based on your experiences.
Few things will prepare you for the enormity of the issues you confront as you assist your parents. The first decision is not how, but whether to assist over the long term. A parent may perceive your involvement as intrusive or too much of a burden for you. They may be able to continue to manage on their own or with the assistance of friends reasonably well, and that's their choice. On the other hand, there may be clear examples of problems, such as having utilities turned off because a bill is not paid.
It's okay to let your parents get by without you, even if they can no longer operate at peak efficiency. It's not okay to permit them to endanger themselves. You must decide whether to jump in or--especially if you are young--alert someone else.
Thinking it Through
While you may be obligated to assist a lot during specific times or crises, the extent to which you do so on an ongoing basis is up to you. Only you know how your parents raised you and what you believe your responsibilities are. People reap what they sow; if your parents nurtured you as well as they could, you will be more likely to want to help them when they need it.
On the other hand, your family life may have looked good to outsiders but been unhappy because of a verbally abusive parent whose behavior was not apparent to others. Or, perhaps your parents were good people but not very good parents - more concerned with their social lives than their kids' homework. You will make your decision about your level of involvement based on your experiences.
Comments
Elaine Orr
(Guest)
(Guest)
11/05/2009
Thanks. I wish you and your mom good health in dealing with this.
Paula from Philadelphia
(Guest)
(Guest)
11/05/2009
the new blended family article is great%252C it gives me much insight on how to handle and deal with my mom%252Cso she still has her self worth and independence. thanks so much.
Paula from Philadelphia
(Guest)
(Guest)
11/05/2009
the new blended family article is great%2C it gives me much insight on how to handle and deal with my mom%2Cso she still has her self worth and independence. thanks so much.
I wish I could help you with specifics, but I'm not a lawyer. If you think there is a chance her spending is because of the early onset of dementia, you could consider having her declared incompetent, with the court assigning you or someone else as guardian of her funds. This would be an emotionally difficult thing for you and her. The other thing you can do is step back and remind yourself that you are not in charge of her life, but you are in charge of your own emotional health. I'm sure you know the Serenity Prayer -- God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics, so you might go there for some help in learning the art of detaching with love. You're mom's non an alcoholic, but the issues for you are similar to those of the family of an alcoholic. There should be an Area Agency on Aging near where you live. Call there and see if someone will ta
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