Raising My Kids: God, What Did I Do to Deserve This Punishment?

Ah, children, they can drive you nuts, make you laugh, get on your nerves, make you cry or just piss you off. If you have children then you know what I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong; I love my heathens. The problem is their nerve-wracking skills are way too advanced these days. There are days when I want to scream until my head explodes like a firecracker on the fourth of July.

Let me tell you about my son, Alex; he's three. I call him "Mr.Indepentent" because he always tries to get things himself. I have often walked into the kitchen to see milk or-God forbid-RED Kool-Aid spilled all over the kitchen floor. Solution? Alex grabs my whitest, fluffiest bath towel to try to soak it up. Well, I guess I should be grateful. Less than two years ago he was painting the walls-and not with ANY type of crayon, pencil, or marker. Let me put it this way-Potty training is very STINKY! My husband, Danny and I washed the walls with bleach and the stench still stuck around. I am so glad THAT phase is over!

When people first meet Alex they tell me how cute he is; and then I tell them, yes, he's cute, but you should see him throw a tantrum. It's not a pretty sight. He picks on his brother, Shayne, every chance he gets.

Now, Shayne is so different from how Alex was at two years old. Alex was a quiet child until Shayne was born. Sibling rivalry, I guess. Shayne is outgoing and I honestly think he is hyperactive. He can't sit still! I'll tell them to play in their room and Shayne will climb over that safety gate as if it was nothing but an inconvenience. I'd pick him up and put him back in his room. He would scream and climb out again. When he's not pissed Shayne is my affectionate child, almost to the point of annoyance. He is constantly puckered up for a kiss. I'm not talking about his little lips pressed together; I'm talking about lips pressed together and cheeks sucked in to make his lips look ten times bigger than they are. It's cute; he knows it. He uses it. He's a smart little shit.