World News Light Issue 2: Paris Hilton and Collider Doom

World News Light is real world news, spun into a light, fluffy pastry with only half the calories of regular news.*

Links to the original, calorie-laden news stories are provided at the end of this article

Continental Europe

Insight and/or Doom have been delayed indefinitely as the CERN collider malfunctions. World News Light sources reveal human error as the cause:

"Someone spilled a bottle of Beaujolais and an entire packet of jelly babies into the cataclysmic {sic} converter."

U.K.

Officials insist a new time-devouring monster clock at Cambridge is not creepy, despite the fact that, according to the *London Times:

"Each new hour is signalled by the rattle of a chain on an unseen coffin to remind passers-by of their mortality."

U.S.

A normally placid red-tailed hawk attacked puppeteers in Atlanta. World News Light sources say they believe she (the hawk) thought the puppeteers were making fun of her.

Stocks fell dramatically early this week, causing hard liquor sales to skyrocket.

Japan

A suspicious submarine periscope was spotted off the coast of Japan. The submarine did not identify itself and disappeared before anyone could do anything about it.

Officials ignored rumors that the alleged submarine could have been the monster Mothra, in larval form, approaching the shore to fight Godzilla.

Health Extra

Freelance writer announces that a weeklong diet of tortilla chips with cheddar quesa, cinnamon atomic fireball candy, and coca cola, causes headache, severe ennui.

Entertainment Gossip Extra Light

Paris Hilton would like everyone to know she is not as dumb as she is portrayed and that she does a lot of work. Also, she would love to move to London. World News Light's staff psychic reveals it is no surprise to her that Paris Hilton wants to move to London.

"What she really wants to do is assist Madonna in overthrowing the queen."

Fashion Light

"London Fashion Week was absolutely fabulous," World News Light special sources reveal. They also noted, "Scary Goth makeup had a huge presence, just in time for Halloween...and the end of the world."

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