Holiday Shopping Hints or How to Serve Your Country

This is a straight-forward proposal. Every U.S citizen must serve for two years. Everyone would have the choice of joining a branch of the armed services, the Peace Corps, or working in a retail department store.

Why? The wonderful world of self-discovery awaits you. That and you'll know how to behave in civilized company. The military teaches discipline. The Peace Corps teaches compassion. The retail department store teaches consideration. Any or all of these traits are necessary for coexistence with your fellow humans.

This is not a new idea. Other countries have compulsory service. I've only added the retail sector as a choice because I learned so much there and it is as grueling as any military exercise or fighting malaria. The winter holiday shopping season is a terror in retail stores. Shoppers have experienced the havoc that is the mall, but few have seen it from the other side of the counter.

Why the retail sector as a choice? Here are some examples that illustrate the most often breaches of the shopping rules.

1. Do not say, "Just looking."
When greeted by a worker with "May I help you?" or "Are you looking for something in particular?" Do not respond with "Just looking." Especially, I repeat, especially if you are going to change your mind 30 seconds later and require assistance and pout and scream when there is no one around because you blew them off.

Shopping is not a game. You don't win a prize for being the biggest butt-head in the store. Know, at least in general, what you're looking for and asked to be shown those items when greeted. If you don't really know what you're looking for, ask for suggestions. Do not blow off an employee only to change your mind. Be cordial and polite.

2. Don't trash the place.
You wouldn't rummage through your neighbor's closet, leave half-empty sodas perched on their stairs, or not flush their toilet when finished, would you? You are on someone else's property. You are the guest of the store. Act like one. The store is not obliged to give you anything any more than you are obliged to buy something.