Establishing Boundaries with Families, In-Laws, Step-Children, and Former Spouses

How to Keep Your Sanity Without Becoming a Wicked Stepmother

Prologue

Having been a single mom to one son for almost 10 years, I will shortly be adding 5 more sons to my family, along with a husband and the accompanying in-laws and former spouses of his.

In my own prior marriage, I regretted not establishing my own boundaries early on with my in-laws and my own family. However, in hindsight I realize that part of having ground rules with the in-laws would also involve the spouse helping to maintain and enforce them as well. Never happened with my former spouse. To this day with his current spouse, he refuses to stand up to his mother on any issue.

To my credit, I have established clear boundaries with my own family, which they don't always want to abide by, but which I do enforce steadfastly. This has brought my son and me a great deal of peace.

So now the quest becomes learning how to do the same thing with my new in-laws, my new (step) children, and the hubby's two former spouses: without turning into a wicked stepmother.

Too Many Changes Create High Stress

It is a well-documented fact that changes in our life and circumstances can create stress. Stress can create medical problems, as well as give birth to tensions and high emotions in circumstances which otherwise would be calm and rational.

The upcoming changes will affect us all. My goal is to discover how to make the transition as smooth as possible while establishing the boundaries I feel are necessary in order for me to keep my sanity. All other boundaries are up for negotiation with my future spouse.

Who's The Boss?

First, I believe are the boundaries regarding roles in the marriage. Deciding who will take responsibility for what is important in setting up a chain of command with the children, and in successfully dealing with issues in our marriage and in our family.

Good things to consider would be what is the primary role of the husband; what is the primary role of the wife; how will we handle the finances; how will we handle discipline with our respective children; how will we handle decision-making in our marriage and family; etc.

Yours, Mine, and Ours