Who's Faster: Superman, Flash or Santa Claus?

A Scientific Inquiry Into Superhero Speeds and Caloric Intake: Santa, Superman and the Flash

When asked what my favorite things are about homeschooling, I have to mention, among the many perks, the opportunity to hold frequent conversations with one of the great thinkers of all time, my son, Bear. The question that has been perplexing the student body this week at Homeschool Elementary involves profound and timely questions of science, math, faith and philosophy, to wit: Who's faster -- Superman, Flash or Santa Claus?

This is a serious question. Not only does it have applications to a swath of educational subjects, but at this time of year, the resultant answer could help decide the fate of an important cultural tradition.

Leaving out cookies and milk on Christmas Eve for dear old Kriss Kringle has long been a custom in many American households. For many families, it is simply a given that you offer Santa (and his reindeer) a quick pick-me-up during his long annual trek.

But in today's health-conscious society, we have to look out for our icons. Santa's been looking chubby for years, and some folks are worried about his cholesterol, prompting them to replace the festive cookie and milk combo platter with less holiday-appropriate fare, such as granola bars or the dreaded rice cake.

It's really a question of burning calories. Does Santa go fast enough to use up all the energy from all those holiday snacks?

It helps to have comparisons, and since Santa's actions clearly imply powers beyond those of mortal men, it's natural to look toward the superhero world for models. The choices were simple. While there are a number of quick-footed superheroes, none compare with the two most famous speedsters, Superman and Flash. They will serve as a sort of control group.

Now, some assumptions: If you figure about one-third of the world's population is Christian, that gives a base number of approximately 2.2 billion possible Christmas celebrants. Further guesstimate that somewhat fewer than half of those are children, say 1 billion, and that the average child-rearing household might have three children, then that gives Santa somewhere between 300 million and 400 million homes he needs to hit.