Can Exes Be Allies?

When married partners divorce the odds are good that there will be, at least for a period of time, some animosity between them. If they have children from their union then they will have to continue to interact with one another - but the resentments that led to the breakup of their marriage may well continue after the divorce is finalized. If there is so much lingering hostility, then, is it possible for former partners to learn to cooperate with each other for the sake of their children?

To do so, both will have to make the well being of their young ones their highest priority. Children experience more happiness and a greater sense of ease when both parents are present in their lives. Parenting is also more effective when both of the adults support, rather than sabotage, each other's efforts. Speaking ill of a former spouse hurts a child, also, because it's much like insulting a part of them.

Both parents need to believe, then, that harmony and cooperation are possible and worth working towards. We need the courage to look at ourselves, and our own behaviors, thoughts and attitudes. This is not always easy. We may have to swallow our pride and turn the other cheek even when we feel that our anger is justified. We'll have to cultivate patience when our efforts don't yield immediate results and our former spouse is unwilling to compromise or change. But we have to continue making consistent efforts, because this sends the message to our children that we're not going to give up on them.

Essentially, we have to try and set our egos aside for the sake of our children's well being. However righteous we may feel in our bitterness, we need to make an effort to hear - and, if possible, empathize with - the other parent. Insisting on always being the one who's proven right can make any sort of progress impossible.

We can begin by taking responsibility for our own part in the dissolution of our marriage. We can own our own shortcomings and strive to grow. We can accept that we have no power to change our former partners, so we must begin with ourselves.