Spiderpants

Several weeks ago, I found myself at the mall in search of a warm pair of corduroys. To me, it didn't matter what store they came from or what label was attached. I simply wanted a pair of decent, neutral-colored, cozy pants. Preferably the "skinny" fit so I could tuck them into my boots. You can imagine how thrilled I was when I found said pants in a store that shall remain nameless. Talk about a bargain- $26.50! Not too bad, considering the exact same pair were most likely at Abercrombie & Fitch for quadruple the price. I was so distracted by the deal in fact, that I failed to take notice of the lining inside the pants' pockets.

This brings me to last Thursday, when I wore these pants for the first time. As I went to step in to them, excited to pair them with a long sweater and belt, I gasped in complete shock. The lining was none other than my greatest fear- spiders! Red and brown menacing eight-leggedness in my pants! What??? In a time when arachnophobia runs rampant, why would someone do such a thing? Whoever designed these needs return to fashion school immediately.

You think that's bad, it's not even the tip of the iceberg. That night, I had tickets to a show. Just before curtain, I went to the little girl's room. Little did I know, I was about to have the scariest moment of life. As I pulled down my pants- oh please, we all do it, calm down- I noticed something on the top of them. Ladies and gentlemen, it was an insect. An insect with EIGHT LEGS! An insect that resembled the ones sketched inside my pants to a T!!!!!

They say when emergencies occur, our natural instincts take over without giving our mind much time to calculate what exactly is happening. For example, most people run to a doorway in an earthquake. I've heard rumors of others stop, dropping and rolling should there be a fire. You get the point.

Something inside me made some sort of movement to knock my nemesis into the toilet. I still have no idea how that happened considering never would I ever voluntarily touch one, even if it was on my pants.