About Men: a Defensive Man Cannot Love

It wasn't obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first. He was fun to talk with. We'd spend hours on the phone and not even be aware of how much time had passed. He was so attentive and excited about me. We seemed to share many of the same views and experiences in life. Yet as the relationship deepened, time revealed he was a defensive man.

Now understand, my use of the word defensive is not limited to critical or ornery. It doesn't mean he's a difficult man or complains a lot. It's not limited to that display of defensiveness. Sometimes defensiveness is more subtle. It can simply be that his interaction with you is underwhelming, confusing or he behaves as if he's in a hurry to get off the phone. It can also be demonstrated in his lack of follow through on something he says. "I'll call you" and he never does. "Maybe we should get together" but he never avails himself for it. In short, he talks like he's interested but his actions say otherwise.

Hindsight is 20-20.

Post divorce, I was able to look back over our history and see flags that went unacknowledged. Admittedly, in the fog of romance and excitement, some very important cues are often either dismissed or explained away. That's why I believe that in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, you need a trustworthy, sober-minded friend who has your best interest at heart. You need someone who can pick up on things. Expect that you won't see eye to eye, but over the course of the relationship, you'll appreciate the wisdom or cautions shared.