Sports Briefs: The Music Men

Brad: Band, ten-HUT! "One-two-band-pride!" Gosh, I love marching bands, I was in one--senior sousaphonist. Yes, I had the big brass tuba, and I loved it. I loved playing at the high school games, playing the fight song, the alma mater, and of course, "Script Ohio"!

Joe: Sorry, but playing the kazoo in the marching band doesn't make you a musician.

Brad: The sousaphone is a special instrument in that when somebody looks down on the field at the halftime show, you see the instrument before you see the player. It is always heard; plus, you get to do tuba dances!

Ralphie: I think even the marching band has standards.

Brad: Yeah, tuba dances! Each high school had different names for them, but they were all the same. "Magics" were when we spun the instrument behind out backs, "Double Magics" where we used the momentum on the upswing to make a second wrap, and one I invented, "Multi-Magics," where we used a half spin to do it over and over and over. My record is 26 spins!

Chris: Just imagine the euphoria Professor Harold Hill would feel if he met Brad.

Joe: I never quite understood the marching band and sports connection. Was the marching band formed to give the non-athletic kids an opportunity to step on the field? Heck, they even took out the running part and had them march, so the gangly, clumsy kids wouldn't trip all over each other. It's almost enough to make a person feel sorry for the uncoordinated, and often tone-deaf, clods.

Ralphie: I dunno, sometimes they're ok.

Chris: Actually, every sport is made better by the presence of a marching band. Instead of enjoying ballads from 1997's chart-topping CD, "Jock Jams," while observing an empty field or court, having a marching band nearby playing live music (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) gives fans a chance to gawk at whatever uniforms the band is wearing. Not to mention that when our high school football teams were consistently losing games by six touchdowns, the marching band was the only enjoyable aspect of the evening, even if band members resembled a Zsa Zsa Gabor costume party.