McCain and Obama Sling Mud; Swap 'Seaman' Smears

John McCain and Barack Obama have been competing for undecided "values voters," for months. But with the polls virtually even and the election just days away, this coveted voter segment could decide the next President and these voters could well be decided by the ongoing battle over one word: seaman.

A political action group of southern evangelical Christians has saturated print and TV media in recent days with ads calling for the abolition of 'seaman'. "It's inappropriate, vulgar and was clearly formed without thought to the impressionability of our nation's children," said Anita Goodhump in a recent ad on behalf of the Coalition of Irate Texans Undoing Seaman (COITUS). "We live in a world that tries to squeeze out the innocence of our youth at an increasingly young age. We want our kids to come of age, sure, but not come prematurely. Keep "seaman" away from our children's ears! A lot of people accuse of us being oversensitive and anal. Well, if we have to choose between looking cool or caring for our children while appearing anal, then we say give us anal anytime, anywhere! We call on everyone to disseminate our message and wipe away seaman from their mouths for good."

At a campaign stop yesterday in Noodle, TX, McCain weighed in on the growing controversy. "I was in the navy as a pilot and I have much respect and admiration for my fellow navy veterans. I'm not just trying to stroke you, my firends, that's the truth. As a parent, I exposed my children to seaman regularly. They grew up with it in the house and they came out just fine. I'm proud of seaman. I love seaman and, I dare say, seaman loves me. My opponent wants to control it but he doesn't know the first things about it. He wouldn't recognize a seaman if one came up and shot him in the eye."