Sarah Palin's Debate Notes Made Public

After a brutal negotiating process that cost me my youngest son, I was able to procure for America the notes that Sarah Palin referred to during her debate with Joe Biden. They just might be more surprising than some think.

Note 1: Obama is the black guy; don't call Biden Obama. Or is the other way around? Look first and notice who Oprah introduces before using his name.

Note 2: Did you say maverick? Just in case you forget, it is important Sarah Barracuda, to say we are mavericks. Mavericks. Mavericks.

Note 3: Never allow a hanging "g" on the end of a word ending in "ing." It is a sign of elitism and the heartland gets suspicious. Besides, you are never more adorable, Sarah darlin', than when you talk like a character from The Waltons.

Note 4: Remember, it is not important to answer the question. Nobody ever remembers whether a debater answered the question. They remember that you winked at them. And remember what that extra from Northern Exposure told you that time: a wink from you is better than a pair of panties from Cindy Crawford.

Note 5: Joe Biden is the old guy. Well, he's not really the old guy. But pretend like he is so your old guy don't get mad.

Note 6: MAVERICK!

Note 7: Just because it's a debate doesn't mean you can't give a stump speech.

Note 8: Todd said he'd give you the big one tonight if you just didn't make him look like the second biggest idiot in the world for marrying the biggest idiot. Sweet Alaskan loving is on the line, Sarah, baby.

Note 9: maverikmaverikmaverick, winkwinkwink, maverickwink.

Note 10: It never hurts to drop the name Ronald Reagan if you get too confused or forget what you were talking about.

Note 11: Pretend Gwen Ifill is Katie Couric and ignore her fat ass.

Note 12: No matter what Joe says about John, deny it. Or ignore. Or lie about it. Just remember that advice Cindy gave you: nothing we do can be construed as negative campaigning. PS: Ask John if the rumors are true that Cindy is a robot. Sure seems like it.

Note 13: Pretend that Joe Biden is talking about ancient history when he reminds people that John voted with the Texan from Connecticut 90% of the time.