John McCain Suspends Campaign to Write Concession Speech

In an unprecedented move, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain suspended his campaign today in order to draft his concession speech, which will be delivered after all the votes are counted on November 4th.

"I think the American people are entitled to the best possible concession speech I can come up with," McCain said. "And I'm sure as hell not going to leave the job of writing this important speech to the clowns who ran my campaign."

McCain said he'll suspend his campaign for "as long as it takes" to draft a final version of the concession speech. "You have to understand," McCain said, "I never learned how to use a computer, so I have to fully rewrite every new draft by hand."

When asked what led him to make this decision, McCain responded: "Look, I pretty much knew this was over after Sarah Palin's first interview with Charlie Gibson. My VP pick was a Hail Mary pass and everyone knows it. Yes, it was crazy. Yes, it was very impulsive. But who the hell could've anticipated that a governor of a state wouldn't know what the Bush Doctrine is. I swear, I myself was shocked. In fact, I asked Katie Couric to find out for me which newspapers Sarah read. Turned out, Sarah Palin got her news in her local church bulletin. Right then I knew my campaign was dead."

McCain added that his erratic behavior during the financial crisis was meant to have him disqualified as a candidate, so that the election wouldn't technically end in his defeat. "Look, my friends, I already have a reputation for being a bit of a nut. And I'm old; everyone knows my noggin ain't what it used to be. So, I figured I'd suspend my campaign, fly into D.C., and really, really screw things up. I think the FOX News camera even caught me on Pennsylvania Avenue in my pajamas at one point, but Rupert Murdoch refused to air it. I have pride, if nothing else. I didn't want to lose, I didn't want to surrender. So I thought if I were unstable, my party would ask me to step down, so that the Alaskan airhead could run. But instead, you know what my goddamn advisers said? They said, 'You've been very Reaganesque in recent days. We love it. Keep it up!'"