What is Gaslighting?

The Extremes of Emotional Abuse

By Jeanne Sparks-Carreker, published Jan 05, 2007
Published Content: 95  Total Views: 54,208  Favorited By: 25 CPs
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Rating: 4.1 of 5
 
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There is a type of pain a woman experiences when, after years of faithful marriage, she begins to witness changes in her husband that, when confronted, are then said to be the creation of the wife's imagination, a plot to hide her own actions, or the perception of a woman in need of psychiatric help. To describe the pain endured by victims of emotional abuse with written words is like trying to explain what a person experiences when facing the realization of certain, impending death. It seems quite impossible. There are rips, tears, stabs and agonizing pain within her heart. Sometimes she panics, believing she is losing her soul mate forever. Sometimes her husband may actually tell her that the suspicion, the digging around for answers, or the accusations involved in the panic are the actual things causing the couple to have distance in the first place.

If a man does this, he is using a manipulative, cruel technique known as Gaslighting. Emotional abusers who partake in the horrific methods of Gaslighting have an agenda of which society may presently be unaware.

The term "Gaslighting" was introduced to the public in an old movie entitled "The Gas Light" (1940) and its remake of the same title (1944). In these movies, a woman who receives a large inheritance is courted by and marries a man who has a secret agenda. He intends to drive her crazy in order to obtain the hefty estate she has. "Gaslighting" is so called due to the story unfolding with the husband routinely igniting the gas lamps in the loft of the house, which causes the other lamps in the house to dim. Upon question from the wife as to why the lamps were dimming, the good husband would tell her she was imagining things. In the movie, it is obvious the man knew he was driving his wife insane. Sometimes, however, this is not the case where intention is concerned. Some emotional abusers do not realize they are Gaslighting.

 
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What is Gaslighting?
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Gaslighting victims become isolated, unsure of their formerly trusted perceptions of the world around them.

Credit: Jeanne Sparks-Carreker

Copyright: Jeanne Sparks-Carreker

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Takeaways
  • Not all abuse involves being hit or being physically abused, but all abuse hurts.
  • Have you ever wondered if you are insane?
  • Emotional Abuse, in its extreme forms, can cause the victim insanity. Sometimes, this is the intended result of the abuser!
Did You Know?
9 out of 10 Gaslighting victims blame themselves for having done something to deserve the treatment they are enduring, treatment which will eventually drive them to insanity or suicide.
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It has been so helpful to find out that there's an actual term for what my husband is doing. I have so much proof of his affair, yet he explains each little piece of evidence away. Example: He had a Pajamagram sent to her house before Valentine's Day because it was for me and he was trying to hide it from me as a surprise, but it was the wrong item and he sent it back. That's why a second one came to our house a few days later. Example: His car is in her driveway all night when he is supposed to have gone to another city for an early meeting the next morning because she leases her car & has free miles but almost never drives it, so he drives her car to the meeting to save wear and tear on his car. Then there's no hotel charge on any of our charge cards because he stays with a friend in the other city. He has hidden all of this and much more from me for a long time and is only coming up with these explanations after I confronted him and started to produce evidence. He has an answer for

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Posted on 02/21/2008 at 4:02:48 AM

 
After our marriage counselor talked about gaslighting I found your website. My husband has been "gaslighting" me for years. We actually ended up divorced three months ago, but we had been trying to reconcile. All the while I've still been thinking, he is not saying things that fit the question, or not saying things that fit the pain he has caused me. He was unfaithful to say the least and told me I made him do it because I didn't trust him. I actually believed I was the cause for a while. Reading your website and talking with our therapist at marriagebuilders.com, has shown me I AM NOT CRAZY. IN FACT HE IS!!!!!! I feel physically and emotionally so much better than I have in years. Now I am praying for the strength to send this gaslighting freak on his way. His name is Peter Edwards ladies, so beware.

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Posted on 02/15/2008 at 7:02:48 AM

 
In the field I work, the abuse you write about is not called gaslighting...its DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

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Posted on 01/24/2008 at 2:01:21 AM

 
I lived with this too. The guy was actually diagnosed to be a sociopath earlier in life but, I did not know that till much later. He was a damned monster and I nearly lost my life over this. I got so out of it I tried suicide and he sat there and was meaner than ever after that. I FINALLY got free of him and his ABUSE. If this is happening to you then RUN and do not look back. No one in their right mind does this to another human being and it will never get better. Just get out as soon as you can no matter who hard it is...it will only get worse the longer you stay. If you need help to get out then find it. I know how low they get you with this and how hard it is to escape so remember get help, do what you have to do but, just leave. THANKFUL to be FREE!

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Posted on 10/31/2007 at 7:10:00 PM

 
then it's right back to her abusive behavior again. I feel trapped, broken and lost.

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Posted on 10/17/2007 at 6:10:00 PM

 
nd broke into my house to get evidence I had that he did try to kill me. I totally depend on my daughter and she knows it. Her and her boyfriend have blackmailed me for two years to control my life. If I kick them out then my life falls apart instantly. If one goes then they say the other goes. Then they tell me if I kick them out then I'm neglecting my son and unfit as a parent. My daughter has been in control of my life since the day she was born to the point of killing herself with subconsciously induced panic/asthma attacks. If I try to stand up to her then everyone around tells me that I'm a horrible mother who can't let things go or that I'm trying to kill her. She won't get therapy either. Therapy only ends up becoming a gaslighting event where she has made me look and react temporarily nuts in some way either at home or during the counseling session or she pretends that she's listening, cares and wants things better, and even goes through the motions until the sessions end and

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Posted on 10/17/2007 at 6:10:00 PM

 
I am probably going in a slightly different direction in that I have been gaslighted by my oldest daughter, her boyfriend that moved in with us and then my son (brainwashed into accepting their abusive behavior and joining in with them). I am the abused parent. The double talk and trying to make me feel or look crazy, over-emotional or that I don't listen to or understand them, or I can't take a joke comments and attitudes get me so frustrated and angry. I know they are lying and playing games and I confront them upfront. I have never had a problem asserting myself. I get so frustrated and hurt that I want to scream. The mentally cruelty has been so bad and I feel so alone and I have nowhere to go that I have broken things rather than strike out at them. I can't hurt them. I can't punish them because my daughter's 21 along with her boyfriend, and my son is 14 years old. I get no child support for my son because I don't want his dangerous father in our lives. He tried to kill me twice a

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Posted on 10/17/2007 at 6:10:00 PM

 
(Continued)methods can be used to stop the gaslighter in his tracks and at least let him know I am finally on to him? Any suggestions will be appreciated and implemented at once and with gusto.

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Posted on 10/01/2007 at 5:10:00 PM

 
I am so glad to have found your information about Gaslighting. I am freaking out. I have lived with a serious gaslighter for 52 years. I have managed to hang on to my actual sanity but it has taken a major toll on my self-esteem, confidence and inner security. I have always thought my husband was a narcistist and maybe even a sociopathic personality but I have never been able to be sure. We attended marriage counseling a few times over the years but in front of an audience he always has known how to present as perfectly normal and really quite charming making me look like a liar or an exaggerator. I could always quickly sense that it was "I" who was thought to be the problem person. So counseling attempts backfired on me badly. I could go on and on and fill a book but that is probably unnecessary...now that I have found this site things have clicked into place and I see it all so clearly and have no need to verbalize it as I know you already know all about it. My question is WHAT

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Posted on 10/01/2007 at 5:10:00 PM

 
Dear Jeanne - Let me preface this by saying from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I have endured emotional abuse from my husband for close to six years now. Coming from an abusive family I have no one to turn to, no support system, and have been isolated from friends and the rest of the world for quite some time now. Today after another daily abusive confrontation with my husband, I locked myself in my office and with tears streaming down my face told myself what has turned into a daily affirmation, "I am going crazy". I decided to Google going crazy and I found your article. To read your words and feel like for the first time in YEARS that there is actually a name for this sickness and that I am not crazy, I don't think I can express in words the feeling that gave me. Your explanation was flawless. I am at a loss for words! Thank you for in a few pages giving me something I have been searching for, for so long.

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Posted on 09/12/2007 at 2:09:00 PM

 
I was cut off by accident. My shoe situation...one is missing so I am left with just 1 shoe..worthless. When I mentioned this to him he say's ..."You are a bundle of nerves and my thing aren't missing. Get more rest and don't blame your weird friends. He also hid all his money as it goes to his brother's house in California and he deposits checks into Roth accounts. This not a community property state and I think he has just set me up. Please help...Nouvellarose

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Posted on 08/22/2007 at 11:08:00 PM

 
I am sorry ladies I guess I am desperate. Gaslighting, from an abusive man is what I am dealing with. We were separated 2 years ago and almost went through with the divorce. Watching him walk out of the court was so hard. A 61 year old man who retired early and I gave him another chance. The last 2 years, I thought I was going crazy as things are missing and then show up. My personal items...even underwear keep disappearing. He is upset as he had a collector gun worth $3,000.00 and when the police took it they opened it and he said it was damaged. He was supposed to attend anger management (mandatory) however, he blew it off. He thought we would work it out by talking to the minister at the church. He went twice and decide he was so smart that he could teach the class. I am now seeing him and watching as my jewelry is missing and I just found a decorated box of keepsakes shredded. The other trick is I have sandals all in one area. However, whatever I wear that day I take th

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Posted on 08/22/2007 at 11:08:00 PM

 
help

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Posted on 08/22/2007 at 11:08:00 PM

 
Jeanne, I accidentaly rated this as a 3 when I mean't a 5.. in fact it should be 100 because your insights into this most damaging of emotional abuse is as accurate as is possible. I was a victim of physical and emotional abuse for many years and this was the hardest thing to get to grips with. I am an inteligent woman I have a medical degree and I am in the middle of a masters degree and yet I was driven to a breakdown because my reality was constantly and persistantly denied and was intimidated into thinking that to even question events that I couldn't comprehend was being disloyal. I have managed to make some sense of gas-lighting but I have a lasting problem that I find it hard to feel believed by anyone now. I feel I have to over-emphasise my point, provide evidences for my beliefs etc, and this is in just normal daily interactions. Is this normal? Will it ever improve? Thank you

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Posted on 08/18/2007 at 4:08:00 AM

 
Excellent, well written and insightful. Thank You so much for writing this. You will help a large number of women with this. Thank You for letting them all know that they are not alone and it is not their fault.

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Posted on 07/13/2007 at 4:07:00 PM

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