Teaching Your Tween to Be More Assertive

I remember my son, Grant, coming home from school one day and telling me that he got in trouble for pushing another kid off his chair in the cafeteria. When asked the reason for this aggressive behavior, he said that this bully was picking on his friend and after telling him to stop a few times without success, Grant knocked him off his chair. I remember feeling a sense of pride that my son had the intestinal fortitude to stand up for someone else, but at the same time I knew that he took it too far and didn't consider more assertive options. I started thinking about the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior and figured it was time to explain to both of my tween age kids how to effectively deal with the various situations they will encounter in the next several years. The tween years are a very formative period in a young person's life as they are struggling with their identity. As a parent, I don't really see my tweens as kids anymore, but on the other hand, they are definitely not adults either. If this transitional period seems strange to me as a parent, I only have to remember what it felt like for me in those years to understand what it's like for them. Instilling positive interactions among your tween and others lies in teaching her how to assert herself effectively. Here are a few of my favorite ideas or strategies for promoting this assertive behavior in your tween.

1. Teach by example. You can preach ideals to your tween until you're blue in the face, but if you don't practice assertive behavior in your own affairs, how can you expect it in your tween? I believe that tweens, although exhibiting an independence like never before, are still very receptive and how I communicate and behave towards others will affect the decisions they make.

2. Explain the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior. The distinction I use is that if my speech or behavior disregards the other person's viewpoint or emotions, then it's aggressive. The assertive response always considers the other person's feelings.