Red States, Blue States, Dumb States, Smart States

The other day, a woman came up to me and asked, "Frank, what is up with this blue state and red state crap they always talk about around election time?"

Immediately, I asked, "Who the hell are you and how do you know my name?"

The woman replied, "I'm your wife, you dumbass! Are you gonna' answer my question or not?"

The easy answer is this: The smart people live in the blue states and the dumb people live in the red states.

But I would prefer not making blanket statements like that when I could easily turn this into a rambling article of 700 words or more. So here are answers to some of the most commonly asked questions about our country's unique state coloring system.

Caution: Some of the facts in this article may have been slightly influenced by the author's elitist blue state attitude and his superior intellect.

Have we always had red and blue states?

No. Years ago, no one really knew where the elitists lived or where the dummies lived. America was one giant clusterf*ck! Thankfully, that has all changed.

Why red and blue? Why not green and yellow or orange and purple?

Well first of all, orange and purple would really look ugly on a map. But to answer your question, the two political parties selected their own colors. The democrats chose blue because it represents the color of the ocean on which so many wonderful immigrants sailed to America and helped form this great country. The color blue serves as a perfect symbol of what America is all about and I get chills just talking about it. The republicans chose red because, like their party's name, it begins with the letter "r" making it easy for these brain-dead individuals to remember which colored state they live in.

How do I know if I am in a red state?

Great question! There are a number of ways to figure out if you are in a red state. For instance:

If you find the name "Joe Six Pack" more than once in the phone book, you might be in a red state.

If you have ever taken your kids to a creationism-themed amusement park, you might be in a red state.

If you find yourself at a book-burning rally, you might be in a red state.

If FOX News Channel is your primary source for information, you might be in a red state.