African American Women and the Loss of Identity in Marriage

My grandmother was born in 1919. She was not the typical woman of her era. In her lifetime my grandmother went to college, married, worked a full time job as a nurse, raised four children, owned four houses and managed and owned a guest house. At the end of her work day she cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, helped with homework, read to little ones, paid bills and managed to find time to spend with her husband. As a child I remember watching her come home for the weekends clean the house, cook dinner for the week and prepare my grandfather's medications for the week. I hated that my grandmother had to work so hard. My grandfather was retired so I felt that he had time to cook and if the medications were important, he would remember to take them. Still, I never questioned my grandmother's weekly routine but I remember thinking "I will never do all of that for any one." I can't say he didn't appreciate it, only that he had grown to expect it. And why not? She had trained him to expect her to do everything so if it ever bothered her nearly as much as it bothered me, it would have been difficult but not impossible, to change the situation. But she never did. Why not? She loved cooking or rather she loved to have home cooked meals but surely cooking had not been her passion in life, why was so much of her life consumed with it?

My grandmother has hundreds of suggestions on how my sister and I can improve our marriages by accepting more. We are both mothers, married, full time employees and full time students. When I ask more of what, she questions how long it has been since my husband and I spent time without the kids. At times I marvel at how progressive she is in her thinking. Those times are often overshadowed when she says we should reconsider our separation until the children are older I never fail to ask, "What have I done to deserve to be unhappy for so long?" She does not understand my question.