Review of Apocalypto

I've never been a big Mel Gibson fan. His films tend to rely on action and not so much on dialogue so I usually avoid them, often zoning out during those mega battle scenes where crowds of actors sling guns, spears or anything sharp with points. All the better to skewer you with! How many times can one watch someone get gored with a thousand spikes/thrown into a ravine/sliced up like a spiral ham/gutted and set aflame/pounded into oblivion/chased down into a field of spears? With all that chaos, there's no need for much talking - grunting or screaming out in pain doesn't count - so I figure a short ways into the movie I'll start creaming my hands, looking up every so often to see who's getting killed. They tend to get pretty rough and chapped during the winter months. In fact, I started writing the review for Apocalypto with those very hands before it even started, thinking about Cornel Wilde in Naked Prey and how this movie would surely pale - or impale - by comparison.

But surprise, surprise! Apocalypto proved to be a solid, compelling adventure during which thrilling action takes the main stage, supported by words every now and then. You'd best go see it after dinner though, preferably something vegetarian. The film opens with a light, humorous scene at a campfire where some characters are established: a resourceful man (our hero) gets his angry friend to eat balls - literally! But soon their male bonding and familial village atmosphere is violently disrupted. Some evil Indians (the bad guys) come in, pillaging and bullying their way into their charmed existence, laying piles and piles of bodies in their wake. They came into the night and tossed these giant hooks into the bedrooms of some of the men, dragging them out by their throats. Wake up buddy! I'm here to burn your hut down, chop your head off and rape your wife. But one woman is special - the wife of our hero. She's the only Indian sporting a ring around her head. It happens to look like an appliance I wore when I was about 12 years old. Now my braces were supposed to straighten my teeth.