Dating with Grandma

"It's time to get back out there, you know." I looked up from my shrimp quiche in mortified surprise.

"But, grandma..."

"I know you think spending all this time with your family is wholesome, but its not. At your age I was married with three children and a baby on the way."

I stared at her confusedly, not sure if this scenario was something to envy or a cautionary tale. "I haven't really been much into it lately."

"Well, egads, no one's into it until they are." she smacked her hand down on the table expressively, causing the cream and sugar packets to jump in their respective containers

I toyed with my quiche thoughtfully, and then leaned forward to whisper, "Every time I get involved with a man, I get hurt."

Grandma dismissed this with a wave of her hand. "Wrong men."

"Well, how do you tell? If there are any right men they blend in perfectly with the wrong ones."

"You hafta be prepared for them, girl! You hafta know how to play the game." My grandmother's eyes glearmed with the light of secret knowledge as she clutched her mug of steaming mocha. "Too many young women have it in their heads to be easily pleased and easily pleasing. They just don't understand. This isn't a contest to crown the next Pollyanna, you have to be willing to dole out a headache or two. Be stubborn. Be inconsistent if you feel that way. It isn't your job to be polite. Give them the idea right from the start that there will be NO NONSENSE TOLERATED. A smart man will admire you for it; plus, it weeds out the bad ones."

I looked at my grandmother dubiously, suspecting that her exposure to the young men of today was rather limited. She smiled back at me, the benign smile of a kindly shaman. "So you want me to go on dates to find someone to fight with?"

"No, no." She sighed. "Smart ladies don't fight, they simply brook no argument." I thought over my past several relationships. I had not just brooked arguments, I had rivered and oceaned them. Mystified I asked, "How on earth do you communicate with men and not argue? They don't understand hardly anything."