How to Get Lucky with the Ladies

As a noted philanthropist and debonair sexual connoisseur, I have decided to print my findings in the field of lady-loving. Yes, after years of knocking boots and breaking hearts I am revealing the tricks of the trade. In fact, there is nothing secretive about it [my craft] that can't be explained by science and literature. But I must remind you, dear reader, how important it is to take these simple instructions step by step; one must learn to walk before he runs, and must prepare himself to do so. My suggestion to your preparation is to go to the store and buy the following: condoms; rubber bands; one (1) large funnel, if you don't already have one; and some cherry wine. You will not have to buy these immediately or all at once; it will take you at least two weeks to grow a proper mustache.

Facial hair is crucial in procuring sexual partners for many reasons. Not only does it coordinate with your shearling coat and/or hat, but it alludes to the matching fur that you, yourself, choose to keep hidden. Of course, this does not imply that you should keep your chest hair a secret. Rather, I would highly recommend (and my colleagues will surely agree) that it is best to adorn it with a golden chain with someone else's initials on it. When I see my necklace glimmering in women's eyes I tell them, "My name's Jordan Barkley, but these letters stand for 'Jolly Biter.'" Not only am I drawing their gaze to my body and charming their tops off, I'm allowing my ego to bulldoze over them.

It is imperative that you impress the girl on your first move. Before you find yourself on the spot, handing out a fake name and pretending to be a relative of one or more athletes, make sure to hike up your pants so you may exaggerate your crotch. I often go so far as to draw attention to myself by use of one of my many laser pointers, which I also use for my very important lectures on campus. If you don't have a laser pointer, try to find a felt-tip marker to draw on a fake shadow. Make sure that it is washable because a pair of leather pants never goes on the same way twice.