Bare Tiddies! Tiddy Bears Exposed

Earth Infiltrated by Species of Small, Cuddly, Seemingly Inanimate Alien Perverts!

First, if you haven't seen the Tiddy Bear, watch this Tiddy Bear Comfort Strap commercial on YouTube.

Though you have to question the less-than-subtle Tiddy Bear nomenclature, it's quite a clever cover the Tiddy Bear species has concocted. For who among us has not felt the crushing, chaffing constraints of a seat belt and yearned for some cute, plush, furry, bean-stuffed, teddy bear-shaped cushion to relieve the un"bear"able discomfort?

Alas, it would seem the Tiddy Bears are not as helpful and innocent as they appear.

My suspicions were first aroused after finding out that Tiddy Bear headquarters is located in Scottsdale, Arizona. That's right. You see where I'm going with this.

It just so happens that Scottsdale, Arizona is 587 miles from Roswell, New Mexico. Precisely far enough away to seem unconnected, yet close enough for the stretch to be manageably traversed in a day by the space creatures we know as Tiddy Bears. Indisputably, a scheming, superior intellect was at work in pinpointing the appropriate distance and matching it up to an ideally random and innocuous-seeming locale.

Unfortunately, the Tiddy Bears didn't count on the probing, investigatory prowess of this superior intellect.

Renowned astronomers and astrophysicists throughout history, from Copernicus to Brahe to Galileo to Kepler to Herschel to Angstrom to Hawking (source citation needed), have theorized about an alien race with a genetic predisposition toward frotteurism, sexual arousal from rubbing up against someone. Now, the Tiddy Bears have landed, latched on to our seat belts, nuzzled against our bosoms, and proven them all right.

Frotteurism is a fetish that facilely crosses the line into disorder, as it can prompt those who experience it--human or otherwise--to violate strangers in crowded areas by rubbing against or surreptitiously stroking them. However, in cramped surroundings, like a packed subway train, victims rarely realize they were targeted as unwitting providers of a sexual thrill.