Living with Death

Continuous anticipation of death, and the regret of past promiscuity leaves Jay Tupholme with a constant agonizing struggle due to AIDS.

Tupholme, 39 of London Ontario Canada, has been diagnosed with Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) and suffers through the daily emotional and physical stress that accompanies a person living with the disease.

Living in Vancouver British Columbia during his early twenties, Tupholme said he believes he contracted the virus while he was living a typical resort life, having fun and being promiscuous.

"I was young, dumb, and full of cum," Tupholme said. "My lifestyle included partying, working, and traveling. During that time, I was probably in the same boat as a lot of people, thinking that it wouldn't happen to me."

Tupholme said the moment of realization, when he was first diagnosed with HIV, was very grounding and that it really leveled him. Living with AIDS is something that is constantly on his mind.

"It's my first and last thought every day," Tupholme said. "I don't think as much, will I die from it? All the medical breakthroughs really help, but it is a rollercoaster ride."

When Tupholme was originally diagnosed with HIV, doctors informed him that he probably only had five years to live.

"I went through five years of crap, and didn't die," said Tupholme. "I have to accept it, but I do have a lot of anger towards myself. It is really scary."

Living with AIDS has completely changed himself as a person Tupholme said.

"I'm not the same Jay," Tupholme said. "I've definitely been changed. I feel it right down to my soul."

According to Tupholme, having a steady and significant relationship is nearly impossible, which has subsequently made him very lonely.

"I don't have the same confidence or spontaneity that I used to, it's not like I can do the regular thing and meet women at the grocery store," Tupholme said. "I've experienced some pretty nasty things with people. Lots of girls, when I tell them, say 'how dare you even talk to me'."