Broken Smile - Domestic Violence

In the end, I held firm with my decision to press charges. Jake criticized me for not recognizing that he had changed and for not trusting that the changes would last. But breathing was still agony for me with the broken ribs and the cast remained on my arm, reminding me continually of what he was capable.

There were warning signs early in our relationship, prior to our marriage. Jake dominated and controlled my every move. He checked my cell phone and pager every night; when I questioned why he felt it necessary to scrutinize with whom I had been in communication, he asked what it was that I had to hide. He controlled all of my contacts with family and friends. He made all of our plans for weekends, holidays, vacations, and major purchases. All holidays and vacations were spent with his family. He made all of the decisions about the future. Compromise on his part never occurred.

Within the first week of marriage, he began to belittle me over small things. I was never able to cook or clean to his satisfaction. He demanded that I arrange for my paycheck to be deposited directly into his account because, after all, we were married now and our monies should be held joint jointly. He kept the checkbook and I paid for purchases such as gas and groceries with my credit card. What I did not realize then but I am all too aware of now is that he paid only the minimal payment on my credit card, allowing the balance to escalate.

After being married nearly a year, I found that I was pregnant. Perhaps, I thought, if I was the mother of his child, he would treat me more kindly. He continued with his emotional abuse and rage. I thought perhaps it was because I was more emotional with the hormones of pregnancy impacting my behavior. Maybe it was my fault. I found ways of isolating myself in the house, trying to minimize the contact that seemed to enrage him so often.

Sex between us became dehumanizing for me. Jake focused on domination over me. I felt repulsed, frightened, and disgusted. I no longer considered sex to be lovemaking in any sense of the word. Looking back on it now, I can see that I was raped over and over again.