How to Be a Typical Wheel of Fortune Contestant

We've all seen America's Game. At least I would hope we all have, anyway. But in the appalling case that you haven't, allow me to quickly divulge to you the details of game play.

Modeled after the wildly popular paper and pen game Hangman, Wheel of Fortune allows contestants to guess consonants and vowels to spell out a common phrase or otherwise similarly known word combination. No longer is the act of phrase guessing reserved for restaurant waiting periods or high school study halls.

Three contestants play each game by spinning a wheel ("of Fortune") containing prizes. They land on a space, guess a consonant and make money. Then, for the sum of $250, they can choose to buy a vowel. In the event that the letter they choose does not appear in the puzzle, they lose their turn. This also happens if they land on the "Lose a Turn" space. "Bankrupt" spaces have the same effect, but will also cause you to lose whatever monies/prizes you have earned during that round.

Being that Wheel of Fortune is a game show, the main objective [for the contestants] is to win money. And now that the wonderful makers of the show have employed the Spin I.D. aspect for viewers at home, the contestants directly impact the viewers' interests. At least in the bonus round, that is. I want you to win so that I have the opportunity to win, you see?

A few years ago, they made the addition of the Jackpot round. Where if you land on the "Jackpot" space, and can solve the puzzle on that turn, you then win whatever monies are currently in the jackpot. I think that's a pretty good deal. But no one ever lands on it, an aspect to which I will later return.

My main point is the playing of the game itself. We sit at home, cheering you contestants on, even during the rounds when we have nothing at stake (I still haven't figured this part out), but you continue to disappoint us. If you're questioning why, look no further, but please, continue to do the following: