My Alien-Abduction Story.

"That idiot porter took you to the wrong ward!" He continued, pulling up a chair, "We had to search the whole hospital to find you. Now, you feel up to making a statement?"

The utility bill could wait I thought. Should I tell him of my experience with the aliens? Would he think I was just a crank? Would he simply laugh? Maybe he already knew. Maybe he'd found my stash hidden in my shoe.

As I tried to sit up in the bed a searing pain shot through my buttocks.
"I wouldn't try and move if I were you," PC Cheesely said, "they removed quite a few bits from your body and it's obviously going to be fairly sore down there."

They removed BITS! What BITS? I was too frightened to feel around. Frightened of what I might find...or worse still, not find! What the hell had 'they' done to me? Maybe being another Mother Theresa was not far off the mark.

Oh God. I'd have to spend the rest of my life as a Deirdre and have to shave my legs and under arms every week. Marry some chauvinistic brute of a man and become an Avon rep. for pin money just to pay that sodding utility bill. Damn! I'd have to learn a whole new set of sexist jokes, how to walk in high heels and run without my boobs bouncing up and down and...

"Yes," said PC Cheesely, "you're a very lucky man."

"If you hadn't had been so relaxed by being completely pissed when that car hit you, you would probably been seriously hurt. Those two poor nurses had to work all night removing the bits of broken car headlight from your buttocks. And it's not easy having to do that with an uncooperative drunk that keeps screaming about aliens."