No More

I am sick and tired of being a doormat. My whole life my mother and grandmother have told me to "be nice", "be friendly", "be a good girl", "do not harm anyone", "love your neighbors", and "be nice to everyone (even those who abuse you)".

When I was a child, like a lot of people, I was teased and taunted about everything, but because I was taught to "be nice" I could not really fight back. Oh how I wanted to.

When I got angry, I got angry. In middle school, I got so angry that I wanted to beat everything in sight and I wanted to kill myself. I was angry because I never really got to be angry.

My step-father once made me so angry, that I jumped out of his car and ran away injured. I did not care. I was angry and I wanted him to see what had become of me. Why should he care if I lived or died? He was not my father, he did not want me, he never loved me.

I had lost a friend of mine at the age of thirteen. He mother's boyfriend killed her. I wanted to hunt him down and kill him myself. That did not happen.

My family wondered what was wrong with me at this point. They could not see it.

As I got older I tried to contain my anger, but how much anger can one person contain? I was about to find out.

As I got into high school, my anger was becoming a mental illness. It was so bad that I threw things around and I used profanity in the librarians face. I tired to kill myself and I tired running away to get away from the anger, but it did me no good.

When I became angry, I was like "The Incredible Hulk" or Mr. Hyde. My eyes would go from brown to green and my hair would turn white. My musles would become so strong that I ran five miles and I could lift two school desks (with chairs) across a room. I was an angry monster, but why? Why was I so angry?

When I got into college, my anger subsided, but that did not mean that it was not there. When I left a room and went some place private; I would be as angry as possible.

Anger might as well have been my middle name. I was told my instructors that I had no real talent and that I was wasting my time at Citrus College. What the Hell did they know?