My Son was Abused - is He Bipolar?

How Can I Tell?

Dear April, I was married for 15 years and out of that marriage came one son who is now 14. He's quite a hand full in that he's unpredictable. You never know if he is going to be charging forward or hiding in his dark room listening to creepy music. I have seen his condition worsen during the last two years, and some of my friends have suggested he might be bipolar. His father was extremely abusive - I still do not know the full extent of his abuse since my son doesn't want to talk about it. If you were his mother, how would you handle my son? ~ At Wit's End

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Dear At-Wit's-End Mom,

I must say, I feel for you. These are very difficult years for you, and I know it seems they will never end. But understanding makes all the difference. The thing I picked up on right away was your comment that he was abused, but you don't know the extent of it. If - and I'm only saying "if" - there was any sexual abuse, you will need a counselor's help. Fourteen-year-old boys cannot admit vulnerability at a time when they are trying to become men.

Ask around, get references, call some of these counselors who specialize in sexual abuse. You may thing abuse is abuse, no matter what kind. But that is not true. Verbal abuse stays in your son's mind forever. And sexual abuse - well, let's just say something dies in a boy who is sexually abused, especially if the abuser was his own father.

But while you're trying to find a counselor, let's learn something about those who have experienced several kinds of abuse during their formative years. Abuse survivors are people of extremes. For them, it's all or nothing. One day they may spend hours with a toothbrush, cleaning a small spot to perfection, and another day their room may look like a bomb hit it. If an obstacle confronts them, they will either rally every ounce of energy to overcome it, or they will retreat to their beds to hide. They just can't seem to strike a balance as they stumble through life.