How to Fight Fair with Your Mate

Fighting fair, at first read, appears to be an oxymoron. However, it shouldn't be. Experts believe that how you fight with your mate can predict - to a degree of 95% -- the success of your relationship (eg, whether or not you will stay together).

Following are 3 ground rules you should always follow when fighting with your mate.

The following assumes that you already employ the basics of no name-calling and no use of destructive language.

1. Shut up: Many fights escalate because when differing viewpoints are expressed - you want one thing, your mate wants something else - we get vested in proving why want we want is better.

Then, we are on the defensive. All of our listening mechanisms are shut down. Sure, we may hear our partner, but we're not really listening to them.

One really effective mechanism I've found is to simply shut up and make a conscious decision to really listen to what my mate is saying. A phrase I run over and over in my head is, "I love this man. What he thinks and feels is important to me."

Once you get over being so vested in proving your point and remember that you love this person and their thoughts and feelings are important to you, you will be more open to really listening to what they have to say.

2. Allow venting: Allow your mate to vent. Don't cut them off, don't try to get your point across, simply allow him or her to purge. Most of us just want to be heard. When we're not, this leads to feelings of frustration, which leads to feelings of anger, which leads to shouting.

Once you get to this point, rarely will you get anything accomplished. So, allow your mate to vent. If you see them starting to get worked up (eg, yelling), let him/her know that they don't have to yell.

Usually, the yelling has nothing to do with you, but with a fear of being cut off, of not being able to fully say what's on their minds - even if it does need to be said three different times in four different ways.

3. Ask to be heard: After your mate has purged, ask permission to be heard. While at first it may seem that you are subjugating yourself, you're really not. What you're doing is building a respectful relationship.