Issues with Commitment - Women Have Them Too!

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I just ended my on again off again relationship with Ben, which lasted about 3½ years. He's 14 years younger than me, has never been married, has no kids;

I have three almost grown teens. After living together for 2 years with no signs of further commitment, he recently moved out to "give us space to see if this is for real." He now wants to slow down and just date! I want a commitment so I know I'm not just wasting my time. I ended the relationship but now I'm not sure that was the right thing to do. Maybe I should have given him more time. Was I right to end it?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
You said you wanted a solid commitment, something stable and dependable in your life. You said that you needed to know that you are not wasting your time, your love or your children's time or love. You did what you needed to do when you got a definitive answer from Ben. Now that you have your answer, why are you having second thoughts? Is it that you DON'T really want a commitment, you just want to complain to him about not having one? Passive avoidance of commitment is an issue with many women and a concept that needs to be examined. If we as women continually choose men that won't commit to us for one reason or another while we beg, plead, manipulate, cry, and whine about wanting one, we must take a hard and honest look at ourselves to figure out why we keep choosing these men! There is a reason.

In your case the man you've spent almost four years with has been iffy and half-stepping for most of the time you've been together. He has fully enjoyed the benefits of a marital commitment without making one, a mistake that many women make in their anxiousness to have a man. But you must realize that he knows if he wants to be with you or not after all those years honey! You must now accept that he enjoys his bachelorhood, wants the opportunity to date you (hold onto the familiar) while he also has the opportunity to look for the woman he considers to be his Ms. Right.