Why Some Friendships Are Worth It (And Some Are Not)

I was struck by something a friend said recently about a friendship she had maintained and nurtured for years. She said, "It hasn't always been easy, but she's worth it." It stood out for me as an interesting qualifier for friendships-some are definitely worth the work, focus, attention and flexibility needed to maintain them over the years, and some are not. What makes one friendship valuable and "worth it" and what makes another disposable?

Another friend recently shared that one of her ongoing issues in therapy is learning how to separate and distance herself from unhealthy friendships. While she was pretty good at partner and dating choices, friends and friendships created more of a problem area for her. Why is it that friends and friendships can give us such fits? I think partly that "breaking up" with a friend feels really adolescent. We want to think that by the time we are mature adults, we are choosing our friends wisely and purposefully and that we should be accumulating friends as we age, not letting them go. And, we expect that we are so evolved that we can "work with" anything. It's like telling potential employers that we can "work with anyone." While I used to make that declaration, time has taught me that it's not exactly true. Not only can I not work with anyone, I also can't be friends with anyone either.