Mormon Temple Garments: 101

I have been deluged with comments and reader email about temple garments lately. I was pleasantly surprised that I have not (yet) heard from any militant Mormons bearing me their testimony of the sacred blessings they receive from the Holy Garment of the Priesthood. In fact, if you are reading this and thinking of sending me that email... go ahead. I would love to post it and let everyone see for themselves what a retard you are.

Many readers have questions about the garments. Rather than answer each email individually (though I did read each and every one of them) I will attempt to answer the most common questions here all at once. I promise to be sarcastic as well as informative.

Now for my regular disclaimer. If you are Mormon, uptight, or my sister-in-law you will be offended by just about everything I am about to write. Go ahead and click over to Deseret Book and be done with it.

Ok, now for the Q & A:

Q: What is a temple garment?

A: The temple garment, or Pioneer Birth Control as I call it, is underwear Mormons are asked commanded to wear during a ceremony in a Mormon temple. There are one and two piece (separate tops and bottoms) models. You can get them in any color you want as long as it's white.

Q: I have a friend who is Mormon but she doesn't wear garments. Do all Mormons wear them?

A: Good question. No not all Mormons wear them. Only the really gullible and brainwashed Mormons wear them. Before you go accusing me of being irreverent and rude let me point out that I was once gullible and brainwashed enough to wear them. Also, as I said before, the garment is given in the temple. Not all Mormons attend or have attended the temple and therefore would not be garment-wearers.

Q: People wear clothes under their bras and stuff?

A: Yes. Mormons are told to wear the garment next to their skin at all times. I even know of some women who will not wear feminine hygiene products under them. I guess feminine goo isn't irreverent but keeping clean is. Go figure. Not all people wear them under bras though. The conservative leadership of the LDS Church generally frowns on men wearing bras at all so they are exempt from that practice.