The Stages of Early Childhood Development, Ages 0-5

Unlike adults, well, female adults, children don't stay in any one developmental level for very long. Each few months of a baby or toddler's life is classified by a different stage, and each year after that marks a very different milestone in a child's development. To understand what to expect in children from birth to age 5, I have broken child development down into its unique stages:

Birth-4 Months: Wad of Goo
This stage is marked by the resemblance of the child to a big wad of goo. The child may roll slightly, cry often, vomit a few times a day, and not much else. The baby still sleeps much of the time in this phase.

4 Months- 7 Months: Lump
The lump stage in children is characterized by a pleasing immobility. The child is no longer goo, but interacts with the people around him. The child at this stage may even have preferences in music, blankets, and toys.

8 Months- 15 Months: Danger to Pets
Most children at this stage have become mobile, whether by crawling, walking while holding onto furniture, or walking on their own. This phase is marked by the extreme danger posed to household pets. Dogs, cats, fish, etc., should be evacuated from the home once this stage begins

16 Months- 23 Months: Chatty Cathy
This stage is marked by pretty much constant babble that is practice for arguing and talking back. Parents are usually told to encourage the babbling by listening and helping the child to form words. Don't believe it.

2 Years: Alien Implant
Once the adored child has bonded to his parents, and developed a delightful, if loud, personality, an alien pod is implanted to completely change this personality. This stage may vary slightly in time by a few months, but parents will be able to tell when the pod has been implanted. Implantation causes kicking, screaming, throwing food that was once a favorite, and tossing random items into the toilet.