Squatting's for Ladies

Using a public restroom is an under-appreciated art, ladies, but don't let that discourage you. There is hope for you less artistically inclined dames. While I hardly consider myself an expert, I do have a fair amount of experience in the matter. I've graced restrooms in thirty-seven different states, from gas stations to fat cat hotels. In other words, I know how to squat, girls. And you should, too.

But let's begin ante-squat, shall we? Let's start with the art of padding. All women must become skilled toilet-padders. After all, if you think your derriere is dirty, think of how filthy someone else's birthday seat is! Or, rather, don't. It's not a pleasant thought. The point of padding is to create a barrier between your germies and the germies of all the women who have used this toilet before you. And chances are, there have been many...but let's not get into that.

Start by washing your hands (preferably with your own travel-size anti-bacterial soap) and then grabbing several sheets of paper towel. If there is no paper towel, then you will have to use regular toilet tissue instead. And if that's not available, well, then I pray you brought some paper with you, or else you'll have to skip this step altogether. (Or maybe it would just be better to hold it, eh?) Now pad every inch of the toilet seat. I mean it---not one nanometer of that repulsive breeding ground for anal bacteria should be visible. (And you may want to do this while wearing rubber gloves, too.)

Once the seat is COMPLETELY padded, you must proceed to squatting because padding alone simply is not enough to ensure your absolute protection. There are three ways in which you can approach these commode gymnastics: