Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for George W. Bush

I will stop talking about myself in the third person.

I will finish that public speaking course I should have taken back in college.

I will help get that library with my name on it opened, even though I'm not sure what it's for.

I will stop having nightmares about Nancy Pelosi dressing me up in lingerie and calling me "Helga."

I will not invade Pakistan.

I will stop having Dick Cheney over to the ranch, until he learns some basic gun safety rules.

I will not let David Letterman interview me and let me look stupid; but, I will get on that danged John Stewart show, even though he hasn't invited me in awhile.

I will buy stock in all the banks I've helped bail out.

I will start a vulture fund to buy foreclosed office buildings. (Better get Dick over to help with this one.)

I'll buy a Chinese made car, gotta help my friends a little more this year.