Keeping it Together Because of Them

Sometime in the summer of 2003, Donna and I decided our marriage was irreparable. We had been separated for a few months and I had been attending regular therapy sessions. We both wanted to make it work but it seemed that we were simply too far apart and that there was too much pain between us to ever reconcile.

We brought the kids together at my mother's house, where I had been living during most of our separation, one evening.

"Girls, this is hard to explain but Mommy and I have decided it would be the best thing for our family if we divorced. Of course, I will always be your Daddy and Mommy will always be your Mommy. Nothing can change that, we love you too much for that to change."

The girls cried. They knew this was coming, I'm sure but the reality of it was a lot for them to deal with. Us too.

As we fought back the tears, we explained that this was not their fault and that in many ways, we could begin to move forward not as a broken family but as a different kind of family.

I flashed back to the day my mother and father made this same announcement to us in an attempt to be aware of what my own children were feeling. I remember my first reaction to the news, "Well, if you need the money, I guess you have to do it." I obviously had no idea at that young age what divorce really meant.

I remember feeling relieved though. My parents had been separated on and off my whole life. The most recent reconciliation had left me feeling ill-at-ease, like there was a stranger in the house. Of course, this was because there was. I had felt strongly since then that all I really wanted was for my dad to be gone so my mom could get back to being the mom I remembered.

I felt sad that my children may have been feeling this about me at that moment. But this was not about my hurt feelings. I needed to be sensitive to theirs.

"Does it scare you when Mommy and Daddy argue?"

They all agreed that it did.

"Well this will help Mom and Dad be friends. We won't argue over anything except who loves you guys more."