How Sexual Abuse Changed My Life

Have you ever seen a Bonsai Tree? A Bonsai becomes a Bonsai because its growth is stunted very early and wires are used to mold it in an unnatural direction. This early interference works very well because a Bonsai does not grow tall or straight. This is how sexual abuse changed my life.

The abuse's first effect was to destroy trust. I have never been able to trust any male, any authority figure or anyone who claimed they loved me. Therefore marriage or friendship, or any relationship has been almost impossible for me. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Next, my sexuality was warped and damaged. For me sexual arousal became painful, not pleasant. Arousal meant someone was trying to gain control of me and if I were sexually aroused, they won. This affects my marriage by rendering a normal, enjoyable sex life impossible.

Sexual abuse made me a professional victim. It was as though I wore a sign on my forehead saying, "Abuse Me". There were plenty to take advantage of the offer. When those in your life who are supposed to protect you become your perpetrators, all boundaries are lost and confused. Having no boundaries makes you a prime target.

Sexual abuse caused me to confuse sex with love. In addition to contributing to my habitual victimness, the abuse kept me from recognizing real love when it came my way. Since being abused had already rendered me unable to enjoy sex, I was perpetually alone, afraid, and confused.

Sexual abuse made me physically ill. First of all, I am chronically depressed and that affects physical health. Studies have shown that overdoses of adrenalin and stress hormones in abused children lead to the body's addiction and overproduction of these hormones lifelong, leading to many physical conditions. Not only my emotional health, but my physical health was destroyed by sexual abuse.