The Male Mall Slouch

Here we go again, guys. As if shopping in a Mall at Christmas wasn't purgatory enough, now we have to suffer Valentine's Day.

Malls are feminine. If you don't believe me, try and find a carpenters shop, a gunsmith, a tool shop, an angling or a hunting shop. That isn't how Malls started. The name 'Mall' comes from the game of pall-mall which was played on a long street. It was played in the 17th century, and was a precursor to croquet. It means 'ball' and 'mallet.' In London, England, it gave its name to Pall Mall, a street in the center of the city. Incidentally, a street I have strolled along - without feeling out of place. This does not happen with today's Malls. Today, men are tolerated as long as they are with a woman and are there for the purposes of carrying and paying. Other than that, it is an alien environment and a single male is treated with suspicion.

A lone male is a lost soul. After last year's mall Valentine visit, it took me two weeks of therapy to recover. However, it doesn't take two weeks to adopt the Male Slouch - that comes naturally. I stuffed my hands in my pockets, hunched over and began to shuffle around the mall in Male Mall Wander Mode. I nodded to some other vacant eyed males until I remembered that eye contact is a definite No-No.

Would Purgatory be like this? Would there be the same lack of seats for weary men to relax on, or would they be forced to sidle along the sides forever? Would all the men's washrooms be at the very end of a very, very long corridor? So long, in fact, that the last part of the journey would be a 100 yard dash? I was busy taking a mental note to carry incontinence pads at all times, when I realized I was staring into a lingerie shop window at thongs of various colors.