The Half Life of Grief is Too Long

I have decided that grief is like plutonium. The half life is too long and the dangers to our health are far reaching. But unlike plutonium we don't have any choice in our exposure to it. I thought I was well versed in the effects of gradual illness and death because I had been a nurse for many years. Working in the home care field I counseled many families in the gradual letting go and accepting the death of their sick loved one. But in retrospect I was no longer involved to any big extent once the patient died and my duties were done. I did not see the months of holding their loved ones pillow or looking at their clothes still hanging in the closet. I did not know the pain lasted so long and that life does not jump back to normal once the funeral is over.

Unfortunately, I was to live the horror myself in triplicate. Three people I loved dearly were diagnosed with cancer and each one battled the disease with all modern medicine had to offer. There were surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation but within a six month period I found myself attending funerals. First my dear sweet boss who I thought of as a second mother. Then my mother-in-law who I had always gotten along with well. And finally my father who was the most perfect man my imagination could ponder. You know those few men who are loving fathers and strong leaders in the community and in his church. His loss left such a hole in my heart and life I thought I would never recover.

The impact of the three losses had a compounding effect and I found myself dazed much of the time. Staying busy with a growing family was helpful but I must say looking back, that first year of loss was a blur. I do remember pulling off the road one day in tears. I had been traveling to a patients house and I was in such a fog that I did not know what road I was on or where I was heading. I had a melt down right there at the side of the road in my minivan. I wish I could say that was a turning point, it was more like a temporary relief. Tears help vent emotions that we can't express when words are simply inadequate.