What's Wrong with Being Passive-Aggressive?

As a mother I am here to tell you I think we've gotten the raw end of the deal over the last 15 years or so. When I was young and I wanted to do something my mother didn't want me to do all she had to do was manufacture a tear or two and quietly say, "Whatever you think is best, dear." It really wasn't as if going to my friend Jennifer's house would have altered the Earth's orbit or even caused a ripple in the family's evening plan; however, that quiet acceptance of my intended misbehavior that would surely cause my mother to die of a broken heart (another convenient concept smashed in recent years) was usually enough of a deterrent to wild giggling girl time during which we might (gasp) talk about boys. So I just stayed home. My mother was the Supreme Mistress of Guilt-truly awesome to behold.

Even as a youngster I recognized this passive-aggressive behavior as a magnificent tool. My friends and I experimented with its use with wild abandon to the utter bafflement of many a middle school boy.

Some years later, when I actually became a mother myself I knew just how I would keep my child in line without threats of spankings (still okay then) or standing in a corner (time out wasn't a popular phrase yet). By the time my child was two or three I had perfected my sad face and was all ready to use it when the term 'passive-aggressive' sneaked its way into our culture. Instead of being recognized as the end all be all of parenting techniques to curb reckless behavior it took on an insidious connotation.

Really, though, if you take a look at the definition, which is, "being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way," it still beats the Heck out of outright aggression. It is practically the parental equivalent of civil disobedience.

So, the passive-aggressive guilt trips were ripped from my potential parenting repertoire. What was left? Logic and time out. Right.