How the Death of My Parents Changed My Life

Losing my parents forever changed the way I look at life - for the better. How?

First, a little background: My mom died when she was 45; my father was 47. They died almost a year to the day apart. I lost my father in October 1989, and my mom died in October of 1990.

I think the fact that they both died so young caused the greatest change in me. So, why would it change the way I view life - for the better?

1. Friendship: Even though they had been divorced for years, my parents remained friends. After all, they had two children together.

I'm always amazed when people have bitter divorces - especially when there are children involved. My parents taught me and my sister, by example, that just because you break up does not mean that there's no place in your life for the other person.

My mom said to me once - I must have been about 17, "We loved each other once. And, that's a love that doesn't die just because you choose to continue life apart."

She went on to explain that there would always be a part of her that loved my father - and that's the part she hung on to, even when they decided to part.

I thought this a wonderful sentiment and have carried the lesson with me throughout my life. I remain either outright friends, or good acquaintances, will all of my exes. I can run into any of them at any time and it would always be a welcome meeting. I know they feel the same.

I choose to remember the good about my relationships and carry that forward with me.

2. Respect: This kind of piggybacks on the first point, but is important enough to be separated out.

My parents never spoke ill of each other. Even though we lived with my mother and she remarried - I have a wonderful stepfather who is still alive - she always made sure that we understood the role that my father played in our lives. Indeed, that he had a role.

When I hear about or read the types of things that parents say about each other in the presence of thier children, I think, "Don't they realize that this is the father/mother of their child?" Especially if the children are young, I reflect on what they will one day think when they learn how their parents talked to and about each other.