An Agnostic Finds Her Faith when She Least Expects It

The meaning of life is subjective: for one person, it might be about finding love; for another, it could be about finding themselves; for still another, it could be as simple as the smell of the asphalt after a summer rain, or the sound of a child singing her ABC's.

For me - and I say this at the risk of sounding trite and somewhat mawkish, if I haven't already - the meaning of this life is personal spirituality. I'm trying desperately to learn how to nurture and cultivate my spirit because I believe, in a very absolute way, that this life is just the beginning... and I want, so much, to be prepared for whatever comes next. But there's something else, something I've always struggled with and which I know has been a hindrance of sorts on my journey toward myself: Faith, or my lack thereof.

Mine was not a religious childhood. My mom, like me, struggled to find her place within the confines of organized Judeo-Christian religion and, ultimately, failed. Hence, I was brought up without any real sense of what it meant to belong to a faith-based community, and, as a teenager, in my quest to find something solid on which to become tethered, I commenced my own search - one that has lead me more often than not to the philosophies of Buddhism and Neo-Paganism. Within the parameters of these two ideologies, I've found something that most closely resembles my own beliefs, my own purpose. Still, in order to truly be anything, one must have Faith.

Last night, I did something I've never done before: I prayed. I prayed to whatever Higher Power was out there, whatever God or gods or spiritual force might exist to hear my cries for help. For me, the idea of a higher power has always been equated with Nature, the living, breathing Universe inside of which, and because of which, all life is created. Maybe it was her, Gaia, to whom I was praying; maybe it was to the Christians' God, or to one or all of the myriad divinities belonging to the Hindus. Maybe it was myself, and the innate power within me to create my own future if only I could believe in it enough. Whatever it was, I wanted it to hear me, I needed it to hear me.