Anatomy of a Bear

Bears, like humans, have hundreds of bones and muscles. Trying to learn their names and functions could become very confusing very quickly. This primer has been designed to help acquaint you with the most important bear parts: teeth and claws. Lesser parts have been omitted, as the only people who care about them are anatomists, zoologists, and perhaps other bears.

Towards the beginning of their evolution, bears' teeth were their primary weapons. Up to four inches long and situated in a chain-drive mechanism, a bear's teeth can cut through diamonds as if they were trees, and trees as if they were children, and so on. Though they can frequently be seen gnashing, bear's teeth can also be spotted gnawing, and even gnarling.

As bears became more advanced and began to settle into clan-based tribes, bears began to contemplate the greater mysteries of life. Lacking opposable thumbs, however, they were unable to properly express themselves with their soft, bare, bear paws. Over the next thousand years, the bears selectively bred themselves until they developed biological instruments of expression, or claws. Sharp enough to draw on the bark of trees, but not so sharp as to cut them down (as would bear teeth), the bear claw soon became an instrument of envy among the class Mammalia. Fellow Homo Sapiens even created a culinary tribute to the bear claw. Do not confuse the two, though, for you could be killed.