Control Binge Eating and Lose Weight

There was a time in my life, a few years back, when I was so out of control with food, I didn't know what in the world to do.

I remember, after an evening's binge, hoisting myself off the couch (it's not easy to lift your body up with 215 pounds on it), and stumbling into the bathroom, looking at my beefy face in the mirror, and sobbing, "Why? Why can't I stop? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I AM OUT OF CONTROL! HELP ME!"

Then crawling to bed, sick and fuzzy and in a thick, overstuffed stupor (I call it a food coma), falling asleep on a pillow soggy with tears, and waking the next morning, afraid, afraid to look at my repulsive body in the bathtub, afraid my clothes won't fit when I get dressed, afraid my pantyhose will roll right off me in public (it almost happened), afraid I'll run into someone I know on my way to work, someone who knew me when I was smaller, afraid this could go on for the rest of my life.

I wanted to run far away from them, from being in public. There I was displaying my gluttony, right there for everyone to see! It was as if I had a flashing sign around my neck, "Miss Piggy. Binges Every Night. Can't Control Herself. Bad Person. Worthless."

I HATED the way I looked. I was so embarrassed to go out. I remember, every time I went to the grocery store, furtively looking around to make sure that nobody I knew was around. If I did see someone who had known me "before," I was even prepared to leave my shopping cart and run out the door and drive home, that is how ashamed of myself I was.

And Mom, who is very, very small, was secretly disapproving of my new big size. I think for her it meant I was a failure and a slovenly pig. She would send me magazine articles on diets and exercise, until I told her that it just hurt me too much to receive that advice, and to please stop. I know she meant well, and did it out of love for me.

She couldn't help herself, though, because every once in a while she would send me a little snippet on how one woman mastered her tendency to gain weight by lifting weights three times a week and getting on the StairMaster five times a week.