Divorce is hard on everyone involved, and it is especially hard on children, no matter what age they are. Given the fact that in most cases the mother receives primary custody of the children, it can be difficult for men to know how to best stay involved in their children's lives under these new circumstances. Here are a few guidelines that can help:
1. Pay your child support. To some men, this may seem like an obvious, almost ludicrous, suggestion, especially since in many cases the court is having the money taken out of your check before you even get it. But all across America there are men not financially supporting their children, and this is simply wrong. We have a responsibility to take care of our kids whether they live with us full-time or not, and we have to learn to deal with the fact that some of the money that feeds our children probably feeds our ex-wife as well.
2. Never say anything negative about their mother around them. Chances are, they saw you argue extensively prior to the divorce, and there is nothing that can be done about that now. But you can take the high road now, even if you ex doesn't. Children are not stupid, and they will figure out on their own that neither of their parents is perfect. Talking bad about their mother will only make you look bitter and make them feel they need to defend her. Kids should never be put in the position of feeling that the have to choose one parent over another.
3. Be there when you say you will. One of the very best things you can give your children after a divorce is consistency. Their world has been turned upside down, and you picking them up on weekends you have them, taking them to dinner during the week, and calling to tell them goodnight as often as possible will accomplish two things. It will return some sense of order to their lives, and just as important, reinforce the fact that you're not leaving them and that you will still be there. This will involve dealing with their mother more than you might like, but it's a small price to pay.
4. Make sure they know that your new home is their home as well. Your children need to feel just as much at home with you as they do with their mother, so create a place that's theirs, even though they're not there all the time. If possible, and it will be difficult if you have more than two kids, give them each a room of their own. Most men tend to live in about two rooms of the house anyway, so you won't miss the space. You will also already be prepared if the point should come where you have primary custody.
5. Make their time with you as normal as possible. Especially in the beginning, you will be dealing with guilt about not seeing your kids every day, and you will be tempted to make every one of their visits with you a major production. But every visit can't be a "Disneyland experience"; it's important that you spend time just as you would if you still lived with them full-time. This includes fun activities, of course, but it also includes just sitting with them watching TV, raking leaves or mowing the lawn, and even running errands that you may think are boring. Also, giving them expensive gifts every time only distorts the expectations they will have later, and makes the transition from time with you back to their mom's awkward for everyone. You can't buy their love, or their forgiveness, and you don't need to. They love you already.
Many of the previous points seem like common sense, yet somehow divorced fathers miss them far too regularly. I hope that by listing them here it will make more of us think about the most important relationship we will ever have: the one with our sons and daughters.
1. Pay your child support. To some men, this may seem like an obvious, almost ludicrous, suggestion, especially since in many cases the court is having the money taken out of your check before you even get it. But all across America there are men not financially supporting their children, and this is simply wrong. We have a responsibility to take care of our kids whether they live with us full-time or not, and we have to learn to deal with the fact that some of the money that feeds our children probably feeds our ex-wife as well.
2. Never say anything negative about their mother around them. Chances are, they saw you argue extensively prior to the divorce, and there is nothing that can be done about that now. But you can take the high road now, even if you ex doesn't. Children are not stupid, and they will figure out on their own that neither of their parents is perfect. Talking bad about their mother will only make you look bitter and make them feel they need to defend her. Kids should never be put in the position of feeling that the have to choose one parent over another.
3. Be there when you say you will. One of the very best things you can give your children after a divorce is consistency. Their world has been turned upside down, and you picking them up on weekends you have them, taking them to dinner during the week, and calling to tell them goodnight as often as possible will accomplish two things. It will return some sense of order to their lives, and just as important, reinforce the fact that you're not leaving them and that you will still be there. This will involve dealing with their mother more than you might like, but it's a small price to pay.
4. Make sure they know that your new home is their home as well. Your children need to feel just as much at home with you as they do with their mother, so create a place that's theirs, even though they're not there all the time. If possible, and it will be difficult if you have more than two kids, give them each a room of their own. Most men tend to live in about two rooms of the house anyway, so you won't miss the space. You will also already be prepared if the point should come where you have primary custody.
5. Make their time with you as normal as possible. Especially in the beginning, you will be dealing with guilt about not seeing your kids every day, and you will be tempted to make every one of their visits with you a major production. But every visit can't be a "Disneyland experience"; it's important that you spend time just as you would if you still lived with them full-time. This includes fun activities, of course, but it also includes just sitting with them watching TV, raking leaves or mowing the lawn, and even running errands that you may think are boring. Also, giving them expensive gifts every time only distorts the expectations they will have later, and makes the transition from time with you back to their mom's awkward for everyone. You can't buy their love, or their forgiveness, and you don't need to. They love you already.
Many of the previous points seem like common sense, yet somehow divorced fathers miss them far too regularly. I hope that by listing them here it will make more of us think about the most important relationship we will ever have: the one with our sons and daughters.
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