How to Win the Oscar Pool Without Watching Any of the Movies
Wade Matthew
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Remember when the Academy Awards meant something?
Neither do I. But do you at least remember a time when the Best Picture nominees measured the cultural pulse of the Nation? Who was not inspired by Rocky? Who could refuse the dramatic offerings of The Godfather? Who could passively resist Gandhi? 
Yet, what has film making brought us in recent years? Gay cowboys and a paraplegic female boxer who would rather bite off her own tongue and die rather than buck up and attend community college in a wheelchair.
Since the motion pictures have, in my humble opinion, taken a downturn, I have given up on watching them. This year, I have viewed only three (non-erotic) films. Rest assured, I have selected the ones that are the highest quality: The Queen, United 93, and Disney/Pixar's Cars.
Yet, despite this handicap, I still plan on winning the Oscar pool we have going at the office. Even though I have no idea what most of these movies are about, I've got a lock on most of the categories. Allow me to share my critical commentary and predictions, and in this way you will learn how to pick the Oscar winners without having to waste your valuable time sitting through these bleak, oh-so-serious films...
BEST ACTOR:
First of all, let me start by explaining who will not be winning:
LOSER: Peter O'Toole. Why? Mainly because the Academy takes a sick pleasure in teasing this old man. Every danced or so, they dangle a nomination in front of this well-preserved (I.e. drunken) Brit, only to give him the royal smack-down by denying him the actual trophy. Do you recall the infamous implied sodomy scene from Lawrence of Arabia? Well, emotionally, that's what happens to O'Toole every Oscar night.
LOSER: Ryan Grosling won't get it because no one knows who the hell he is. He's the star of Half Nelson. (I'm glad to see they've apparently nominated a film about professional wrestling, especially after the Nacho Libre snub!)
LOSER: Leonrado Dicaprio will not win. Voters are still annoyed that his character Jack from the Titanic wouldn't make that Rose biotch scoot over and share that floating chunk of furniture. "My heart will go on" my ass!
Neither do I. But do you at least remember a time when the Best Picture nominees measured the cultural pulse of the Nation? Who was not inspired by Rocky? Who could refuse the dramatic offerings of The Godfather? Who could passively resist Gandhi?
Yet, what has film making brought us in recent years? Gay cowboys and a paraplegic female boxer who would rather bite off her own tongue and die rather than buck up and attend community college in a wheelchair.
Since the motion pictures have, in my humble opinion, taken a downturn, I have given up on watching them. This year, I have viewed only three (non-erotic) films. Rest assured, I have selected the ones that are the highest quality: The Queen, United 93, and Disney/Pixar's Cars.
Yet, despite this handicap, I still plan on winning the Oscar pool we have going at the office. Even though I have no idea what most of these movies are about, I've got a lock on most of the categories. Allow me to share my critical commentary and predictions, and in this way you will learn how to pick the Oscar winners without having to waste your valuable time sitting through these bleak, oh-so-serious films...
BEST ACTOR:
First of all, let me start by explaining who will not be winning:
LOSER: Peter O'Toole. Why? Mainly because the Academy takes a sick pleasure in teasing this old man. Every danced or so, they dangle a nomination in front of this well-preserved (I.e. drunken) Brit, only to give him the royal smack-down by denying him the actual trophy. Do you recall the infamous implied sodomy scene from Lawrence of Arabia? Well, emotionally, that's what happens to O'Toole every Oscar night.
LOSER: Ryan Grosling won't get it because no one knows who the hell he is. He's the star of Half Nelson. (I'm glad to see they've apparently nominated a film about professional wrestling, especially after the Nacho Libre snub!)
LOSER: Leonrado Dicaprio will not win. Voters are still annoyed that his character Jack from the Titanic wouldn't make that Rose biotch scoot over and share that floating chunk of furniture. "My heart will go on" my ass!
Some of the finest films of the year weren't even nominated. Take for example, the seldom seen "Cowboys and Idiots."