How to Deal when a Relative You Did Not like Dies

Death is surreal. Grief is ugly. But both are a part of life. A few years back, I found myself losing two close relatives in the space of three years. They were sudden deaths, in the way you see a car coming at you at full speed while still being a couple a blocks away. So you feel relatively safe and that no harm will come to you anytime soon. When these two relatives died, to be honest, there was not this overwhelming feeling of loss or even pain. I have felt both before, that crushing and lost feeling, a jolt that wakes you up to how awful it is and that life really does just goes on. Did I feel guilt for not feeling grief? No, I was not close to them and had emotionally distance myself from them years before. But I did feel sympathy for those around me who did feel such things.

But I don't think I am the only one who has ever been confronted with these circumstances, trying to deal when a relative you did not like dies. Families are a complicated mixture of hate, pain, history, ambivalence, revulsion and love. In some situations, not my own, their is even some history of physical and emotional abuse. And yet, you will find yourself dressed in black, going to a funeral and burial, wondering, "Why am I here?" This is how I handled the situation.

Don't Fake It

In the midst of heartfelt and sincere "I am sorry for your lost." The continued conversations about the arrangements for the funeral, the stories told about the one who has now passed, tears would be shed. Except you find, maybe to your shame and embarrassment, that you don't have any to shed. There will be those who will insist that you are in shock but you know better. Then there will be those who will suggest that maybe you need to let it all out, but you know there is nothing to let out. That is, nothing that is acceptable in this situation . Here is my advice, don't fake it. Don't pretend to feel anything you do not. It is dishonest and unnecessary. It is your emotions, deal with them the way you see fit but later.